San Diego

I took my first trip to San Diego since we spread my moms ashes. I thought it was going to be really hard. The first day was. I went to Cornado to see her. Liz went with me so I had some support. It was hard. I spent the week dealing with things in my life and trying to move on. I feel now like I have truly been able to move on a little from where I've been stuck since July 2008. I now know that I am not alone as I previously thought. I have friends and family who love and care for me and just want the best for me. I am happy with where my life is going for the first time in a LONG time. And all of this was discovered in a week in San Diego. Thanks mom for helping me through this. I love you.

I've spent the last year helping plan Liz's wedding. Now it's over and I don't know what to do. All I have to focus on is this stupid divorce that is stressing me out. I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but I don't know how not to let it. It feels like there is always something going on. I still hope that one day I will get the opportunity to just relax and have a few days without stress.

"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

David Harkins

Mom,

It's hard to believe it's been one year since I have seen you or talked to you. I miss you more everyday. I love you.

Love,
Lindsey

Life

As the one year anniversary of the single largest loss in my life approaches it's hard not to think of everything I have gone through in the last year. I also wonder what my mom would say to me today of she were here. I remember the last day I saw her so clearly. Her smile so bright as she talked about the love she had for my dad and her grand kids. How she was in so much pain yet somehow still my tough, strong, stubborn as hell mom. I have been told numerous times over the last year that it gets easier as time moves on. It doesn't. It gets harder. It gets harder to remember her voice, her hugs, her smell, her laugh and even her backseat driving. It gets harder to explain to my daughter where her Nana went and why she can't see her anymore. It gets harder to move on with my life knowing she isn't a part of it anymore and isn't here to share in my triumphs and tribulations. It's harder to listen to some songs that I loved so much before knowing they have a whole different meaning. Sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to live the next 40 years of my life without a mom. Who am I supposed to share my thoughts and my fears with. Whom do I celebrate with. I regret so much about the time I had with her. I regret not having her at my wedding. I regret not having her stay for the birth of my daughter. I regret not telling her "I Love You" more often and not calling her often during those last few months as I did before she got sick. Maybe I was mentally trying to prepare myself in some way for the loss that was to occur all to soon or maybe it was just to hard to hear her pain, I don't know. I guess that is the new theme of my life: I don't know. I don't know what will happen now. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to be happy. I'm just here, going day to day, numb. I think of her many times daily and miss her constantly. I just wish I could call her and talk to her. Cry on her shoulder or hear her yell at me one more time. I just wish she was here.............

My Soapbox for 04/22

They say bad things come in 3's. Why does it always have to be bad things. Why is it you never get good things that come in 3's. I had such high hopes for this year and they are quickly being dashed away with my spouse dragging his annoying and tiny little feet on getting a divorce and my dads health issues. I just wish for once in my life I could have a year that is drama free and happy. A year without the thought of death or losing a parent and a year in which I have someone who makes me happy. I just want a normal life.

Soundtrack

So in talking to my friend Lyra today I got to thinking. I need to make a soundtrack to my life. These are songs that I can relate to right now. I will change them as I grow and change my life.


1) She Let Herself Go - George Strait (Thanks Lyra)
2) Fight Like A Girl - Bomshel
3) Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback
4) Gives You Hell - All American Rejects
5) Soulmate - Natasha Bedingfield
6) The Climb - Miley Cyrus