Life

As the one year anniversary of the single largest loss in my life approaches it's hard not to think of everything I have gone through in the last year. I also wonder what my mom would say to me today of she were here. I remember the last day I saw her so clearly. Her smile so bright as she talked about the love she had for my dad and her grand kids. How she was in so much pain yet somehow still my tough, strong, stubborn as hell mom. I have been told numerous times over the last year that it gets easier as time moves on. It doesn't. It gets harder. It gets harder to remember her voice, her hugs, her smell, her laugh and even her backseat driving. It gets harder to explain to my daughter where her Nana went and why she can't see her anymore. It gets harder to move on with my life knowing she isn't a part of it anymore and isn't here to share in my triumphs and tribulations. It's harder to listen to some songs that I loved so much before knowing they have a whole different meaning. Sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to live the next 40 years of my life without a mom. Who am I supposed to share my thoughts and my fears with. Whom do I celebrate with. I regret so much about the time I had with her. I regret not having her at my wedding. I regret not having her stay for the birth of my daughter. I regret not telling her "I Love You" more often and not calling her often during those last few months as I did before she got sick. Maybe I was mentally trying to prepare myself in some way for the loss that was to occur all to soon or maybe it was just to hard to hear her pain, I don't know. I guess that is the new theme of my life: I don't know. I don't know what will happen now. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to be happy. I'm just here, going day to day, numb. I think of her many times daily and miss her constantly. I just wish I could call her and talk to her. Cry on her shoulder or hear her yell at me one more time. I just wish she was here.............